The Undertaker dropped the WWF World Title to Bret "Hitman" Hart at SummerSlam '97, thanks to an assist from special referee Shawn Michaels, who swung a chair in Bret's direction and hit 'Taker instead, forcing Michaels to count the pin for his sworn enemy. It was a moment that kicked off a fresh chapter in the ongoing feud between the two men, as babyfaces and heels blurred alignments all throughout the WWF. It was the "gang warfare" era of the World Wrestling Federation, as groups like the Nation of Domination, the Hispanic Los Boriquas, and the biker-styled Disciples of Apocalypse tore through the WWF's midcard and each other. And at the top of the company were Bret Hart's reformed Hart Foundation, now consisting of not only Hart and his tag parter, Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart, but also his brother Owen, the British Bulldog, and briefly Brian Pillman before his untimely death in October 1997. They were reviled anti-American heels at first, until they began waging a full-scale war with D-Generation X, the new stable consisting of Michaels, his buddy "Triple H" Hunter Hearst Helmsley, Chyna, and their bodyguard, the returning "Ravishing" Rick Rude.
Alignments began to blur for a few reasons. First, as Michaels and Helmsley's behavior became increasingly sophomoric and crude, their in-ring behavior began to include more blatant rulebreaking, which alienated the fans that still respected competitors that tried to win the right way. (That said, DX was building a loyal fan base of horny teenaged Beavis & Butt-Head fans from the first time the Hitman called them "degenerates" in the first place.) Meanwhile, reality was creeping in to the on-screen kayfabe world of the WWF for perhaps the first time. With the explosion of the Internet in the mid-90s, wrestling fans banded together online and smartened each other up to the backstage mechanics of the carnival on a level not previously seen. As the Monday Night War with WCW escalated during 1996 and 1997, Internet wrestling fans followed every rumored contract negotiation, every leaked piece of backstage drama, with relish. Finding out how the sausage was made was every bit as interesting as consuming the product, and it began to enhance the "smart fan's" enjoyment of the business.
So when it was rumored that Bret Hart was about to be let out of his 20-year WWF contract to jump ship to WCW, the Hart/DX feud gained a fresh, unique wrinkle. WCW had been poaching WWF talent like crazy, and the nWo storyline had set the wrestling world on its ear, destroying the WWF in the ratings on a weekly basis based on, well, the former WWF stars Kevin "Diesel" Nash, Scott "Razor Ramon" Hall, and "Hollywood" Hulk Hogan taking over the power structure in the WWF's rival company. It was widely perceived that the reeling WWF wouldn't be able to recover if their longest-tenured star, Bret Hart, were to jump ship. As rumors flew online, it became evident that the looming Survivor Series showdown between Hart and the now-European Champion Shawn Michaels (who had defeated the Bulldog for the title) would be Bret's last WWF Title defense and last match in the company. Thus, fans became divided--several accusing the Hitman of selling out (despite the simple fact that Vince McMahon couldn't afford his contract anymore), and some choosing to cheer and thank the Hitman for his years of service. By November 9, those fans were beginning to take over as Michaels and DX behaved more and more like heels. (All this despite the anti-American, pro-Canadian act the Harts were playing out during the Spring and Summer.)
With the fans divided and Bret's fate, along with the fate of the WWF World Title, in the air--would Hart drop the title to Shawn? Would he successfully defend the belt, then relinquish it on Raw the next night?--the WWF descended on Montreal, Quebec, for a Pay Per View event built around gang violence, but with an emphasis on the drama surrounding the two individuals who would square off in the main event.
(I tried really hard to just start in with WrestleMania XIV after the last recap, but it became painfully obvious that it would be impossible without using this show to point out how radically the landscape of the WWF had shifted between 'Manias. Plus, this is maybe the second-most infamous PPV in wrestling history aside from Over the Edge '99--frown--so it's hard not to spend time on it, especially with its 20th anniversary looming. So here we go.)
The opening video is a flashback to WrestleMania 12, the greatest 'Mania main event with the worst result in history. Bret Hart voiceover--"i think the wrong guy won." I AGREE WITH YOU, BRET. LET'S BE BEST FRIENDS AND PICK UP RING RATS TOGETHER. He goes on to comment on Shawn Michaels and get bleeped, and then we get that clip of Shawn Michaels saying, "just because i choose to live my life openly and freely does not make you a better man." Yes, Shawn, and you saying that while wearing sequined sleeves with no shirt attached doesn't make you gay, either, so stop co-opting their whole thing to seem hip, Mr. My-Stage-Name-is-Probably-Influenced-by-the-Lead-Singer-of-Poison. Dalton Castle you're not. We then get clips from SummerSlam on August 3, when poor guest ref Shawn had to count the pin for Bret after accidentally bashing Undertaker with the chair meant for the "Hitman." Reap what you sew, you cheating cheater who cheats. ("But DJ, Bret spat at him right before that." Psychological warfare, my friend--he knew he could goad Shawn into cheating for him. Does that count as cheating, per se? That's why he's the best there is, best there was, and best there ever will be.) And finally, after some quick edits and quotes, we end the into on Bret Hart saying "i'm gonna kick your scrawny ass," which is a quote i remember vividly from the radio spots i ran advertising this pay-per-view broadcast when i was working as an oldies DJ in Oshkosh. Boy, that's a flashback i wasn't expecting! I dunno if any oldies station has broadcast the word "ass" that much in a single-month span ever since.
And now, Milton Bradley's Karate Fighterstm proudly presents WWF Survivor Series: GANG RULEZ! With a 'Z,' because only pussiez pluralize with an 's!' Pyro explodes and we're underway in Montreal, Quebec, Canadia, home of the most crass, homphobic and sexist fanbase we've yet to see on a PPV reviewed on Martian Dance Invasion! No, seriously, just you wait. We fortunately don't get any burrito jokes as the Spanish announce team of Carlos Cabrera and Tito Santana(!) are introduced, but you know they had to have a talk with Jerry Lawler, here doing color commentary beside Jim Ross, before the cameras went on. And of course, because we're in Montreal, we also have a French broadcast team including Ray Rougeau and his pops, Jacques Rougeau, Sr.! And as the bell rings to announce our first match, we hear that the ring announcer is in French as well. This is all sure to annoy the more conservative members of the U.S. audience, who have already likely dubbed the Rougeaus the "Freedom announce team." Yes, i know it's 1997. I was alive then. Conservatives were just as weird about the French before 2003.
We open with the first of our traditional four-on-four Survivor Series elimination matches, in which the object is to eliminate every member of your opposing team by pinfall, submission, countout, disqualification, knockout, bankruptcy, or by spelling H-O-R-S-E.
Match 1: The New Age Outlaws ("Road Dogg" Jesse James & "Bad Ass" Billy Gunn) and The Godwinns vs. The Headbangers (Mosh & Thrasher) and The New Blackjacks (Blackjack Windham & Blackjack Bradshaw) -- Traditional Survivor Series Elimination Match
Change the rules to a four corners tag team elimination and swap out the Outlaws for Furnas & LaFon, and we've got a replay of WrestleMania 13's opening match. Good to see all these guys moving upward in the company. We get a flashback to three weeks ago on not just RAW, but the WAR ZONE, which is what they called the recently-added second hour of RAW back when the company had to have ATTITUDE permeating every pore of its corporate skin. On that episode, The New Age Outlaws heeled their way past the Headbangers by bashing a boom box over Thrasher's head and cutting him open. One thing you can say about the Attitude Era--they weren't afraid to let the guys get a little juice. One thing you can say about the Headbangers--if they couldn't handle a shot from a boom box then maybe they shoulda changed their fucking team name.
As The Godwinns' creeptastically Southern fiddle intro plays over the PA, the Road Dogg starts running down everyone in sight. "All right, all you maple leaf-loving freaks, you're about to find out the true meaning of Southern Justice! I see that steers and queers have already made their way to the ring! ...Black Tracks and Mudbangers, you are done for!" Holy shit. "Well, some insulting remarks from the Road Dogg, and we expected nothing less," deadpans Jim Ross, already having to apologize for his company. The Outlaws are such a new team that they aren't even officially called the Outlaws yet, but they still look goddamn ridiculous all the same. Jesse James looks like he's trying to sneak into Hobbiton in a shitty diguise.
BILLY WHERE'S THE REST OF YOUR HAT
Remember everyone -- Billy Gunn's real name is Monty Sopp. Dude's basically been playing behind the 8-ball since birth. The first word he learned to write after his name was "really?"
The bell sounds and Phineas Godwinn starts off against Blackjack Windham, who keeps reminding himself that he used to be one of the Four Horsemen to keep himself from crying to sleep. "So, Creative's got something for you. We want you to work your dad's old gimmick, but more like if he hailed from PeeWee's Playhouse." Windham knocks Phineas out of the ring with a shoulder block and the heels are already stalling for time while Road Dogg wipes Godwinn's forehead. Falling out of the ring is hard work! Phineas makes it back into the ring only to be slapped to the mat and bodyslammed by Windham, who tags out to his partner, Bradshaw, who is still paying the ever living shit out of his dues. Phineas gains the advantage and works over Bradshaw before reaching for a tag from Road Dogg...who backs away along with Billy Gunn. Neither of them want to face the Blackjacks, apparently, because...they're heels? Best reason i can come up with right now. Meanwhile, Jim Ross points out that five men in this match have won tag team gold -- The Godwinns, the Headbangers, and Billy Gunn. Dude TOTALLY disses Barry Windham, who held the WWF Tag Titles with Mike "I.R.S." Rotunda in the mid-80s. That's cold, JR. Oklahoma dissing the Texan, though, so he's subtly playing to type. Henry Godwinn trades a few moves with Bradshaw until the Blackjack catches Henry in an abdominal stretch that he rolls into a pin that scores a three-count, eliminating our first competitor! Henry sells shock as he's shooed from the ring and Phineas runs back in to pounce on Bradshaw.
Bradshaw tags to Windham, who starts putting the mad hurt on Phineas with vertical and gutwrench suplexes as well as a wicked clothesline, scoring a couple two-counts before Phineas surprises him with a clothesline and scores a three-count completely out of nowhere in a total "shit, we only have so much time for this match, let's speed it up" spot of booking logic. Barry Windham, felled by a backwoods hick's tree-trunk arm. "I used to work 45-minute broadways with Ric Flair!" he says to himself as he sulks to the locker room.
Finally Mosh enters the ring and we get our first taste of the Headbangers, the odd team out in this matchup of Deliverance extras and rodeo clowns vs. rawhide bondage signalers and...Hot Topic dumpster divers? If these four tag teams smashed into each other in a particle accelerator, you'd get like three plus-size Juggalos. As Mosh connects with an elbow and dropkick, popping the crowd, JR recaps the last couple months of tag title hot potato, explaining that the Godwinns took the titles off the Headbangers a few weeks back (and then dropped them two days later to current champs The Legion of Doom). Lawler immediately goes gay-bashing, saying he was happy to see the Godwinns dethrone the Headbangers because he didn't like the WWF represented by a team wearing "dresses." This from a dude who wears a crown and a robe with no shirt to the ring.
Finally, Phineas tags in Billy Gun and the crowd boos like crazy as the two heels execute an Irish whip into double elbows, flattening the metalhead and keeping the momentum in their corner. As Gunn stomps away at Mosh, the Montreal crowd begin to chant the homophobic f-word loudly at Mr. Ass, and thus marks the first moment of true shame i feel as a wrestling fan while writing these recaps. Ah, yes, everyone remembers the Attitude Era for daring storytelling and boundary-pushing content, enabling the basest of douchetastic fan behavior. Shout out to this dude in the corner of my screen, who worked all day to prepare this loving tribute to Canadian Hero Bret "Hitman" Hart:
That kid was the coolest dude at the lunch table Monday morning at school...before the football team pantsed him and stole his lunch money. That happened in Canada too, right? Don't give me some line about how much more polite they are north of the border--LOOK AT THAT SIGN.
"What is this crowd chanting? Something in French, i think." "I can't help you there, King." Billy Gunn takes off his shirt and the crowd lets out a deafening "BOOOOOOO" in response. Methinks you protest too much, Montreal--you're the people who paid Canadian dollars to watch half-naked dudes grab each other tonight. As Gunn counters a corner dive into a bulldog on Mosh, a "GOOD LUCK IN WCW BRET" sign is visible in the corner. Oh, these clever fans, trying to show off their insider dirt sheet knowledge! I bet they kick ass at Goldeneye 64, too. Gunn scores a three-count off the bulldog and it's bye-bye Mosh as Gunn tags out to Phineas, his work done for the night, in his mind.
It's now three on two as Thrasher tries to get the crowd rallied for Bradshaw and him and the match resets with a Thrasher headlock on Phineas. Eventually the action builds up as Thrasher gets some good sequences of armdrags and the like, and the crowd responds by...chanting that f-word again? OK, now i'm just convinced that the fans are just chanting that because their parents dropped them off at the show and they just realized that can say bad words loudly with no consequences. Thrasher hits a high spot on Phineas, connecting with a top-rope dick to the face and scores the pin with his skirt covering Godwinn's head, evening up the sides and confusing the hell out of the crowd. "Do we cheer or chant more?"
Bradshaw gets tagged in for the first time in a while and he starts chopping the ever-loving shit out of Road Dogg as the crowd "wooooo!"s in tribute to Ric Flair, which is one of the earliest instances of that happening on WWF PPV, i believe. Short clothesline into a gutwrench powerbomb and the future JBL is hossing all over Jesse James. But Billy Gunn does just enough to distract Brandshaw from the apron to goad the Blackjack into attacking him, giving Road Dogg the opening to roll him up for a quick three, and now it's New Age Outlaws vs. Thrasher: The Quest For Boom Box Vengeance! Thrasher motions to the scar on his head as he lays his boots into Road Dogg's cranium. Eventually, Road Dogg sneaks a tag to William Gunn and snags Thrasher in an abdominal stretch that he converts into a pump-handle slam attempt, which Thrasher counters by landing on top of the Dogg for a lateral press and pin attempt. Except that "Bad Ass" is the legal man, and he finishes the night by connecting with a sloppy flying...foot drop, we'll call it, and it's good for the final pin of the match. The New Age Outlaws are your sole survivors.
Survivors: The New Age Outlaws in 15:25
"What a crowd! Phenomenal!" Jim Ross exclaims as an audience member holds up a sign saying "UNDER TAKER IS NOT A HOMO." That's a strange way to herald the arrival of The Truth Commission, but there you go. The Truth Commission are a quartet of nondescript dudes in military fatigues and berets, notably featuring The Jackyl, aka Don Callis, the future Cyrus the Virus in ECW; and Recon, the future Bull Buchanan of Right to Censor fame. Right now, though, it's just a bunch of jobbers with nothing else to do getting thrown together in matching laundry.
r-l: sign that someone worked on for way too long; The Truth Commission
Match 2: The Truth Commission (Jackyl, Sniper, Recon & The Interrogator) vs. The Disciples of Apocalypse (Crush, Chainz, 8-Ball & Skull) -- Traditional Survivor Series Elimination Match
JR and the King are being instructed to totally into putting over The Interrogator here -- billed as a 7' tall, 380-pound beast, he's the type of imposing huge dude that Vince McMahon loves to wheel out as a carny-style special attraction. "SEE! WITH YOUR OWN EYES! THE WONDERS OF THE MALE PITUITARY GLAND!" Of course, dudes like these can't wrestle for shit 98% of the time, so this should be pretty underwhelming. Their opponents, The Disciples of Apocalypse, get an immediate pop from the Montreal crowd, because apparently undifferentiated bikers are more popular than generic military dudes. At least the storyline is nice and basic -- the rebel bikers feuding with the authority figures. I think this was the plot to Wild Rebels as seen on Mystery Science Theater 3000.
After a brief eight-person brawl to kick things off, we settle into the Interrogator vs. Chainz, AKA Fake Undertaker Brian Lee from SummerSlam '94. But really, would you care any more or less if i said "Army Guy 1 starts off against Biker Guy 3?" Chainz gets in some offense before Interrogator connects with a sidewalk slam and gets an immediate three-count. Best part about these Survivor Series elimination matches? The totally believable rapid-fire pins that would never happen in a standard singles or tag match. Yes, the 6'6", 300-pound Brian Lee would totally get blasted into unconsciousness in 30 seconds. Suuuuure. Crush, Skull & 8-Ball run into the ring and start pounding on Interrogator before the two refs restore order. (Skull & 8-Ball, by the way, are better known as Ron & Don Harri--oh, who fucking cares.) Recon's now in with "either Skull or 8-Ball, we're not sure; they look to be identical twins." Thanks for the knowledge bomb, JR. Recon gets Biker Guy on the ground and Jackyl insists on being tagged in while he has a pre-set advantage, being a skinny manager and all. He gets off a flying knee that Biker Guy ends up no-selling before slamming Jackyl to the mat and scoring another quick pin. Well, at least this will be over pretty quickly.
Jackyl doesn't head to the locker room, though--he heads over to the broadcast table and grabs a headset, because running his mouth is what he's best at. "JR, you've singlehandedly been bent on waging a campaign of defamation of my character, calling me the David Koresh of the World Wrestling Federation." Lawler chimes in with a "he was just calling you David Koresh before you came over here!" "You know the best way to get heat on yourself in this business is by telling the truth, and that's all i'm spreading with my team." Ah, yes, the Attitude Era, when insider slang like "getting heat" ended up on camera because it made fans feel cool to know what it meant. The lines between kayfabe and real life blurring all over the place up in this arena. Or maybe he meant "getting heat" as another Koresh reference.
JR continues to apologize for not being able to tell Skull & 8-Ball apart, but he's paying enough attention to notice that when Recon sends one flying out of the ring, the other just walks in behind the ref's back like it ain't no thing. Twin Magic! Shades of the Killer Bees! And of course because there's cheating afoot, the resultant huge clothesline results in a pin. Wrestling Physics, everybody--moves resulting from a distraction or illegal partner switch always are at least 5 times as devastating as the move delivered fairly. (The fans cheer the blatant cheating, of course.) Bald Biker Guy #1 connects with the worst swinging neckbreaker i've seen this side of the Honky Tonk Man before his brother enters the ring and helps him out with a double slam that results in another pin on...shit, is that Sniper or Recon? Eh, they're both eliminated, so who cares. Holy shit, is this boring. Wait, Biker Guy #2 is still beating up on either Snipecon or Reeper. I've totally lost track. Which twin is this, Ball or 8-Skull? End! This! Match! End! This! Match!
Interrogator tags in and immediately scores a sidewalk slam on 8-Skull and gets a pin. So, what, the sidewalk slam is his finisher? He doesn't even whip the guy into it, like Big Bossman? Lame. Anyway, it's just Crush vs. Interrogator and "Recon--er, excuse me, Sniper," says JR, because even he can't be bothered to tell these people apart. Crush hits a big slam and pins Sniper, then Interrogator hits yet another sidewalk slam on Crush for the final pin and the victory. That's seriously his only move. Was this whole match a showcase for the 7' guy and his one move? Probably, because Vince McMahon loves attractions, dammit!
Sole Survivor: The Interrogator in 9:59
"We're gonna see great things from the Truth Commission in my view," Jim Ross observes as the Jackyl and his men celebrate. The Truth Commission disbanded within a year, if i remember correctly.
After a few random pre-recorded fans give their picks for the main event, we go to (future Ring of Honor announcer) Kevin Kelly in the "America Online" room, where "Stone Cold" Steve Austin could not look more bored. Kelly notes that fans on AOL are asking Austin about his neck, as it was famously broken at SummerSlam in an Intercontinental Title match with Owen Hart (It was actually a bruised spinal cord, but they sold it as a broken neck, because this is wrestling in 1997 and damaging your nervous system isn't going to be considered a serious injury for 10 more years). Austin claims he's worried about his neck (this is his first match back since the injury, i believe), but it really looks like he's more concerned with whether the 19-year-old co-ed that wants to cyber is really who she says she is.
"You sure this ain't a 32-year-old dude in his mom's basement?
Ask her if she's really a 32-year-old dude in his mom's basement."
Seriously. AOL chat rooms. It's so damn adorable.
Next up is a Team Canada vs. Team USA match, one of the main storylines of which is apparently the debut of martial artist Steve Blackman, who came into the ring on last Monday's RAW as a fan looking to break up a Team Canada beatdown on Vader. Huh, ok. I do not remember that being the story behind Blackman's debut at all. Steve Blackman, as you may recall, was a gifted martial artist and MMA fighter that had a serviceable run as a converted wrestler, but you may remember him even more vividly as the "cheese" in his "Head Cheese" tag team with Al Friggin' Snow. The story is that after Blackman got arrested for running into the ring as a fan, Vader bailed him out of jail and asked Commissioner Sgt. Slaughter (really? You made Sgt. Slaughter your commissioner? HAVE WE FORGOTTEN THE LESSONS OF WRESTLEMANIA VII?) to sanction him as a wrestler to compete with Team USA at Survivor Series. Ya know those movies where the football coach runs through all his quarterbacks and then grabs a guy in the stands? "You! Can you throw a ball? PUT ON A UNIFORM!" Only in wrestling does this actually happen. Can you imagine some dude getting pulled off the streets and thrown into the Octagon with Cain Velasquez? Below is a hypothetical depiction of the scene:
Anyway, we go to a backstage interview with Michael Cole, who opens the questioning by saying "Vader, this team you've assembled doesn't seem to have a common thread." There's a hilariously pregnant pause from Vader, who seems to be conceding the point ("huh, yeah, this team really does make less sense than the ending of St. Elsewhere"). To be honest, i can't even follow what Vader's saying because i'm distracted by the "F" and "U" on Goldust's face. Hoo boy. (NOTE: I'm being told that the "FU" actually stands for "Frilly Underthings," which is pretty legit, it being Goldust and all.) (OK, fine, Ross explains that it's "Forever Unchained." I like my theory better.)
Match 3: Team Canada (British Bulldog, Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart, Doug Furnas & Phil Lafon) vs. Team USA (Vader, Goldust, Marc Mero & Steve Blackman) -- Traditional Survivor Series Elimination Match
Team USA is coming out to what eventually becomes Kurt Angle's theme song--it's really distracting and surreal to be reminded that what is now a classic entrance theme for one of the greatest amateur wrestlers to turn pro in wrestling history was once the WWF's "generic patriot" music (and was even used for Del Wilkes, AKA The Patriot). The Canadian crowd is of course booing, and we'll see how soon it takes them to hurl homophobic epithets at Goldust. For now, they're too distracted by Sable to do anything but cheer her and boo the fest of the team.
The crowd erupts as Bret Hart's music plays and Team Canada makes their entrance! Here's your Team Canada rundown:
"British Bulldog" Davey Boy Smith: born in the UK
Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart: born in Florida, grew up in California
Doug Furnas: Born in Oklahoma, just cut a promo saying "they say 'America: love it or leave it. Well, i left.'"
Phil Lafon: born in Mantouage, Ontario! WE HAVE A CANADIAN, EVERYBODY!
To Jim Ross' credit, he points this out, to which Lawler responds, "don't ever let the facts get in the way of a good story, Ross. Who cares? This is Canada vs. the United States, and quite honestly, i'm a little ashamed of the team we're fielding." Awesome.
Marc Mero starts off against Davey Boy, and we start with Mero derisively tossing his headband at the Bulldog, who responds by miming wiping his ass with it and throwing it back at Mero to a HUGE crowd pop. Ah, the subtleties of pro wrestling storytelling. After a quick flurry of Mero punches, he gets schooled by the Bulldog and elects to leave the ring and move Sable away from some fans that were
Steve Blackman tags in, though, and immediately takes control of Lafon. He's being sold as a non-wrestler--"he's a third degree black belt"--but he's immediately impressive with a dropkick and a crisp elbow drop on the prone Lafon for a two-count. Lafon gets control again though, connecting with a DDT and getting a near-fall off a crucifix, but the fans have already checked out and are chanting for Sable again, because she has boobs and they are for their ogling, i guess. Meanwhile, Steve Blackman chases Lafon out of the ring and ends up getting counted out, so it's a very inauspicious debut for Al Snow's future straight man.
We get another rapid-fire pin when Vader takes on Jim Neidhart, eventually connecting with a falling headbutt to the Anvil's batch and a follow-up splash that likely liquified Neidhart's spleen. 1, 2, 3 and we're all even at three members per team. Phil Lafon immediately charges at Vader and scores some back heel kicks before another spinning heel kick sends Vader ass over teakettle outside the ring. Vader recovers pretty quickly from getting slammed into the steel steps by Lafon, and gets back into the ring to whip Lafon into the ropes and connect with a nasty belly-to-belly suplex. Lafon, by the way, sucks at running into turnbuckles in this match. He doesn't look like he's being propelled by Vader at all; he's taking a tiny little whip from Vader and then running full force and it looks super fake. Then again, maybe it's Vader's fault for not whipping hard enough. I dunno. What i DO know is that Vader's second-rope splash onto Lafon is absolutely SICK looking, and Lafon gets rolled out of the ring after getting pinned to hopefully get what's left of his ribcage fused back into place. I can't believe they didn't need a spatula.
An exhausted Vader tags in Mero, whose fists go to work on Doug Furnas' face before he connects on a sloppy but painful looking moonsault onto Furnas's standing shoulder. He gets a two-count and protests with the ref before Furnas rebounds with an Alabama slam, tagging out to the Bulldog, who delivers the ol' 10-turnbuckle spot before the advantage starts to move back and forth between the two men. Eventually Doug Furnas tags back in and scores a quick rollup on Mero, and the teams are even at two apiece, and we haven't even seen Goldust in the ring yet! As Bulldog and Vader trade blows, JR and Lawler discuss the "FU" on 'Dust's face. "That 'Forever Unchained' means he's free from Marlena, right?" JR affirms that, yes, Goldust has ditched his wife and kid and is now flying solo, which prompts Lawler to point out that Goldust better pay his alimony on time if doesn't want his stuff to get repossessed. "You speaking from experience, King?" "...Yeah."
Goldust has a cast on his hand, but apparently has been cleared to compete...which doesn't stop him from refusing to spell Vader with a tag. Twice in the last 20 seconds Vader has reached out for a breather and Goldust has refused, citing the broken hand. So Team USA started out with one legit monster, a wannabe boxer more concerned about his wife getting more cheers than him, a dude who had never wrestled before tonight, and a guy with a broken hand. USA! USA! USA! Best country in the world! Furnas hits Vader with a low blow with the ref's back turned and tags in Davey Boy, and the story is becoming Vader fighting for his life as he hits a desperation clothesline, then reaches for one last tag as Goldust dismissively drops off the apron. Ross is losing it. "That's standing up for your country! That's helping your teammates!" GOLDUST IS A HEEL. WHAT DID YOU EXPECT, TEAM USA? The only patriotic heel that matters is Kurt Angle, and he's not debuting for another two years. Furnas pops the crowd with a belly-to-belly suplex on Vader that launches the superheavyweight over his head, but it's still only good for a two-count. Hurricanrana on Vader for another two-count! Vader is selling like a champ for Doug Furnas and it's awesome. Vader finally walks over to his corner and tags Goldust in by slapping him in the face and yanking him into the ring as the crowd roars its approval. Goldust responds by shooting Vader a look, rolling out of the ring and walking back to the locker room. Why the hell was he on this team again?
As Vader begins to fight back once more, Davey Boy rolls out of the ring and grabs the timekeeper's bell while Vader hits a Vader bomb on Furnas for a pin. With the referee rolling Furnas out of the ring, Bulldog cracks Vader over the head with the bell, kicks the evidence out of the ring, and scores the three-count to the roar of the Montreal faithful. Canadian fans, rejoice! Your team valiantly defeated a dysfunctional team of Americans when the British guy used a foreign object! Start singing "Oh Canada," because the provinces really earned this one. Basically, this entire match existed for the sole purpose of Vader getting tossed around the ring by two strongmen who know their suplexes. Frankly, i'm totally ok with that.
Sole Survivor: Davey Boy Smith in 17:05
Last month's PPV was In Your House: Badd Blodd, which was notable for holding the inaugural Hell in a Cell match between Shawn Michaels and the Undertaker, which was to determine the #1 contender for the WWF World Title. Obviously, since the Hitman is defending against Michaels tonight, you can guess who won, but why he won was thanks to Paul Bearer's new charge, who interfered to continue Bearer's war against his former man. DID YOU KNOW: The Undertaker has a half-brother who Paul Bearer fathered, who was thought killed in a fire that Undertaker started in their home as a child, but actually survived and has now entered the WWF to exact his revenge? Sure, why not? He showed up during the main event last month and ruined his half-brother's match, and as he menacingly strode down to ringside, face concealed to hide his burn scars, Vince McMahon on commentary growled out, "that's gotta be...that's gotta be KANE!
The Undertaker's Brother
We get a video package that explains how the Undertaker is refusing to fight his disfigured dentist half-brother who pretended to be Kevin Nash at last year's Survivor Series, so instead, Kane has spent the last month tearing through other WWF Superstars (outside of actual matches, as tonight's his in-ring debut) and sending messages to the Dead Man. In that time, he happened to run into and steamroll Dude Love, which pissed off one of Dude Love's other personalities: Mankind, another former associate of Paul Bearer. So tonight at Survivor Series, we get Demonic Scarred Dentist vs. Schizophrenic who pulls his own hair out. Wrestling!
"I don't want this to be remembered as a wrestling match, because it won't be," says Mankind in a pre-match interview. (OK, so NOT Wrestling!) "It will be Mankind versus a brick wall! And when you face a brick wall, common sense would say you walk around, or you climb over, but that's not my way. I'm gonna get a head start Jimmy, and i'm gonna launch myself into that brick wall! And when it does not fall, i'll do it over and over and over again! And like Paul Bearer said, i may die trying! But i may not. So Uncle Paul, if that wall goes down, well, it's just you and me--the man you referred to, after giving A YEAR OF MY LIFE, you referred to me as a PEBBLE? I gave you MY SOUL, and you called me a pebble? So when i sink these two fingers deep inside your trembling, flabby jowls, and you eyes begin to pop out of your evil little mind, i'm gonna ask you one simple question: DO I LOOK LIKE A PEBBLE NOW? DO I? DO I? HAVE A NICE DAY!"
Sold yet?
Match 4: Kane (w/Paul Bearer) vs. Mankind
A lukewarm crowd response welcomes Mankind to the ring while a fan at ringside holds up a "BANG BANG" sign referencing Cactus Jack and Jerry Lawler asks why the Montreal ring announcer insists on speaking French. Just tryin' to paint a picture with words here, folks. The lights go out and the crowd really pops, because, yay! There's gonna be pyro! And sure enough, after an explosion, the Undertaker's brother makes his way to ringside. Remember when Kane wore a full face mask and spoke using a voice box, like he had throat cancer or something? Because why not? Anyhow, Mankind runs out of the ring and takes it to Kane and we're off and rocking on the floor.
Kane no-sells some punches and reacts to Mankind slamming his head into the ring barrier like a horse swatting away a fly, if that's an appropriate metaphor for "picks up Mankind by his throat and tosses him into the steel steps." Kane tosses the ol' Micker into the ring and does his whole "setting off pyro in the ring posts as if by magic" schtick, which wows the crowd and more importantly wakes the timekeeper up enough to ring the bell and officially start the match. The lighting director, however, is still asleep on the job because the ring is still bathed in the red light of Kane's entrance--the visual equivalent of how "New Jack City" used to blast at full volume during New Jack's torture porn exhibitions matches in ECW. Kane continues to pummel Mankind while Jerry asks JR about the lighting. "What's the deal with this eerie red light?" "Well, there's a lot of unexplained power that Kane apparently possesses, King, and i guess that's just one of them." What a practical skill for a professional competitor to wield--lighting gel control! "If everything is red, i will blend into my surroundings like a chameleon and my opponent will not be able to see me!" And tonight, in the main event -- Bret Hart wrestles a polar bear in a blizzard brawl!
Mankind fights back, knocking Kane over the top rope in a version of the "flip 360 degrees over the top rope and land on your feet on the ring floor" trick the Undertaker has perfected in the last seven years, finally reaching the endgame of the "WHAT'S A BETTER GIMMICK THAN ONE UNDERTAKER? TWO UNDERTAKERS!" gimmick that was false-started right around the hard lessons of SummerSlam 1994.
Kane tosses Mankind back into the ring after throwing the steel steps into Mankind's face--whether he got his arm up to deflect or not, that had to feel gnarly--and the attack continues as Kane has all the Undertaker mannerisms down. Punches are delivered with the same deliberate underarm shot to the throat, and the same deliberate delivery drives a sidewalk slam into Mankind's back. A boot sends Mankind back out to the floor again, and after getting whipped back into the steps, Mankind finally fights back by using Kane's forward momentum to pick him up by the upper thighs and send his crashing face first into the steps! Of course, Kane is currently wearing a magic bulletproof mask that protects his HIDEOUS BURN SCARS, so who knows whether or not those steps were felt through the mask, but Kane seems to be feeling the follow-up punches to his neck. Mick then picks up a chair and cracks it over Kane's head, and i guess this is a no-DQ match? A Paul Bearer's Mortuary Street Fight? Eh, who knows. Back in the ring, Mankind hits a sit-down piledriver on Kane, reminding me once again that i really miss piledrivers and wish fewer people had their neck discs compressed by them. They took away one of Kevin Owens' best indy moves, man! Oh wait, we're still in 1997. Mankind signals for the mandible claw, and since Kane's mask makes it impossible for Mankind to stick two fingers under his tongue, he opts to apply the hold to Paul Bearer at ringside instead! The crowd loves it, but damn, Mick, why are you such a dumbass? Stay on target! Sure enough, Kane jumps to his feet, catches Mankind on the apron after the claw is released, and...grabs Mick by the throat and tosses him through the Spanish announce table. Shit, it looks awesome.
"My gawd, stop the carnage!" -- JR
The crowd would be chanting "holy shit! Holy shit!" if that were a thing that existed in 1997. Eh, maybe they are -- it is Montreal. I dunno. I don't hear "Putain! Putain!" in the crowd, which is what the Internet just told me means "Holy shit!" in French. Lawler points out, though, that "Tito Santana looks hurt bad," and suddenly i'm much more emotionally invested in this match--even though, if we're being honest, "looks hurt bad" was Tito's default setting for the last few years of his career. The brawl continues on the floor until Mankind stuns Kane with a kick to his Little Dentist and a double-arm DDT that drives Kane's larger head into the ground. Both men lie there exhausted, discussing what to do next. Mankind crawls back onto the apron and leaps off--"Shades of Cactus Jack!" declared Ross--dropping an elbow onto Kane on the arena floor! Meanwhile the referee could have counted to thirty already, so i'm going with my "Truth or Consequences, New Mexico Street Fight" theory. Wait, was Mankind billed from Truth or Consequences like Cactus Jack? Or is this a Parts Unknown Street Fight? AND WHY HAS THERE NEVER BEEN A PARTS UNKNOWN STREET FIGHT?
Mankind climbs to the top rope in order to get crazy nuts, but Kane suddenly recovers, leaps onto the apron, and tosses Mankind from the top rope to the floor while JR waxes poetic about "the sickening splat of Mankind's kidneys and lower back right on the floor!" Some faint "ECDub!" chants echo in the crowd as Mankind crawls back into the ring, attempting to pull himself up with Kane's body as an anchor. Kane is sick of Mankind's shit, though, and berates him, pulls him up into position for a Tombstone piledriver, drops Mankind on his head, and gets the three count.
Winner: Kane via pinfall in 9:27
Michael Cole is backstage with Vince McMahon and Commissioner Slaughter, who are discussing the exceptionally high tensions running backstage leading up to our world title match tonight. Both men state that extra security is backstage in order to guarantee that 1) the match goes on, that 2) the great WWF fans in Montreal are able to witness two of the greatest in WWF history go one on one, and 3) that Sgt. Slaughter doesn't smuggle a bomb into the arena on behalf of his adopted Iraq. "Vince, i'm gonna put you on the spot here--who's gonna win?" And with that, Vince tells one of the greatest lies in all of wrestling history: "I don't know." Kayfabe!
WE ARE THE NATION! OF DOMINATION! It's time for one last Survivor Series elimination tag match, and your heels for this match are the Nation of Islam copycats themselves, the Nation of Domination -- Faarooq, "the Rock" Rocky Maivia, Kama Mustafa and D'Lo Brown. Rocky jaws at a "Die, Rocky, Die" sign in the front row as their opponents head to the ring -- WWF Tag champs the Legion of Doom, Ahmed Johnson, and Ken Shamrock! Frankly, that's a hell of a lineup. Shamrock comes out first to a HUGE pop from the crowd as JR insists that "industry insiders consider Shamrock to be the dominant force for years to come." Well...maybe not, but he still had his moments. His ovation, though, is just barely overshadowed by the welcome for the Legion of Doom, still looking good and kicking ass after 14 years as a team at this point. This could be a fun one.
Match 5: The Nation of Domination (Faarooq, Rocky Maivia, D'Lo Brown, & Kama Mustafa) vs. The Legion of Doom, Ken Shamrock, & Ahmed Johnson -- Traditional Survivor Series Elimination Match
Loud-ass LOD chants as this grudge match starts. While JR focused on the injuries sustained by Ahmed Johnson at the hands of the Nation -- a lacerated kidney, a busted hand -- everyone on these teams hates the members of the other team, and the crowd is appreciably hot for this one. Hawk starts off against D'Lo brown, who stuns Hawk off the start with a piledriver, which Hawk predictably no-sells and counters with a standing neckbreaker that pops the crowd and forces a tag out to Rocky, who sucks, if we believe the Montreal faithful. Hawk backs Rocky into the ropes, but as he goes to bounce off the opposite side of the ring, he gets kicked in the back by Kama and runs right into a Rock Bottom, securing the first pinfall for the Nation! Well, that was underwhelming.
Ahmed Johnson comes in and takes control with an elbow, causing Rocky to tag out to Kama, who takes control with an Irish whip into a clothesline before tagging out to Faarooq. Doesn't take long, though, for Faarooq to eat a trademark Ahmed Johnson Pearl River Plunge sit-down power bomb for another fast three that evens the sides. D'Lo Brown hops in and connects with a frogsplash before Ahmed starts no-selling some punches to the face and dropping Brown with a SICK face-first Michinoku Driver modification. Rocky tags in and the "Rocky sucks!" chants begin again in earnest. Ahmed picks Rocky up for a slam and here's where shit gets ridiculous. Faarooq, who has yet to leave the ringside area, despite the ringside ref's insistence, trips Johnson, allowing Rocky to fall on top of him. Faarooq continues to hold Johnson's leg while the second ref is yelling at him to let go, but the in-ring ref counts the three and sends Johnson packing. Does the ringside enforcer ref let the in-ring ref know what happened? Nope -- Johnson is too busy being pissed at Faarooq, chasing him to the entrance ramp while the ringside ref tries to separate them. What the fuck, ringside ref? I haven't seen a ref react with that much indifference to cheating since Danny Davis!
From here, things slow down a bit--Ken Shamrock tags in and has a nice flurry against the Rock, but eventually Animal tags in and goes one on one with Kama as nothing really new develops. I wonder if the eliminations came too fast and Vince started angrily hissing in the ref's earpiece, "tell those assholes they have to fill 20 minutes!" The next interesting thing that happens is some mic feedback that rings out over the PA, prompting Ross to remark, "I think Kane is leaving the building. What was that?" Cool, didn't realize Kane has mystical feedback-inducing teleportation powers too. What can't magical masked wrestling dentists do? "I think that was our illustrious soundman Kevin Dunn," remarks Lawler. Dunn reacts accordingly:
Pictured: something magical masked wrestling dentists can't fix
Meanwhile, Kama showboats after a martial-arts side heel kick to Animal's head, and Animal recovers enough to dropkick Kama in the back of the head and roll him up for a surprise three-count. "Kama can join Faarooq in the showers," says JR, and before i have a chance to comment on that mental picture, Shamrock is hitting D'Lo with a dropkick and some gut shots in the corner that D'Lo is making look like a million bucks. D'Lo Brown -- underrated all-time great? I dunno, he WAS Eurocontinental Champion, but he does tend to get overlooked when people wax poetic about the Attitude Era. I always thought he was a solid hand in the ring, like right here where he's hilariously mocking Shamrock, who was just punched in the nuts, by walking knobby-kneed around the ring. (Maybe less so when trying to powerbomb Droz, but never mind that now.) D'Lo continues the attack with some crisp legdrops and a backbreaker, but makes a critical error when attempting a middle-rope moonsault that sends him WAY off the mark. Animal and Rock get their team's tags and Animal attacks with a flurry of dropkicks and a powerslam, and...oh Jesus, what is this? William Gunn and Road Dogg are headed out to ringside wearing mock Road Warrior spikes. Animal jumps out after them and gets a bunch of flour tossed in his face for the effort, leading him to get counted out for his trouble. The crowd has quieted down quite a bit, here, incidentally, possibly losing as much interest in this match as i have. Can we get to the ending please?
As Shamrock warily prepares to take on two men, Lawler gloats that "finally we get to see just how dangerous the 'World's Most Dangerous Man' is." JR responds with "no matter how dangerous you are, i don't know if anyone can survive these odds." "Oh, oh, go ahead and make excuses for him now, JR!" And oh my god do we get an amazing exchange when JR begins to put over Shamrock. "He made Bret Hart tap out two weeks ago. He made Shawn Michael tap out last Monday." Lawler, apparently forgetting what tapping out means, says "Unfortunately for him this is professional wrestling, and you don't win by tapping out." "The hell you don't!" "Huh?" To be fair to Lawler, this is taking place during the era when tapping out replaced saying "I quit" as the preferred method of submission (in order to bring wrestling more in line with shoot combat sports like MMA and UFC), so he may have been legitimately confused. Still, that exchange is fucking hilarious in hindsight.
Rock tags in to take over the beating D'Lo has started, but when Shamrock rebounds with a double clothesline that knocks both men for a loop, he ejects Rocky from the ring, hits D'Lo with a belly-to-belly suplex, and locks in an ankle lock submission that causes D'Lo to tap...which the referee allows as an elimination even though Rock was the legal Man. Oops. As the refs force D'Lo out of the ring, Rocky surprises Shamrock with a chair shot to the back, then gets the main ref's attention for a cover, which Shamrock kicks out of just before two! Hmm, need to work on your dramatic timing a little bit, Kenny. You kicked out a bit quick for a compelling false finish. The other problem of course being that this match has moved way past its shelf life and we really need a REAL finish here. Maybe after this sick floatover DDT by Rocky...Ooh! There's a dramatic near fall! Nice job, Shamrock! But will someone please STAY DOWN and end this? Rocky tries the DDT again and Shamrock reverses into a Northern Lights suplex, then stuns Rocky with a hurricanrana off the ropes. "That's what i would have done right there," Lawler says. "Been a while since i saw you use that move, King." Heh. And with that, Shamrock goes into a fugue state, hitting himself in the head, screaming "YEEARRG!" and grabbing Rock by the arm, transitioning into an ankle lock that earns him the submission win. Well, shit, all you needed to do was
Sole Survivor: Ken Shamrock in 20:28
"What a fighter! What a man! He may be leading the way for all of us before you know it!" Heh, man, JR is laying it on thick here. All he's missing is a good "blue chipper" line. Vince must have been super certain that pushing a former shoot fighter to the moon was the way to go, until the fan reaction to a certain Texas Rattlesnake got in the way. Huh--since when does the WWF listen to fan response when it comes to pumping the brakes on their next anointed megastar? They've been trying to shove poor Roman Reigns down our throats since Cena went part-time and it keeps fizzling.
Before the next match we get treated to the D-Generation X entrance video being used as the teaser promo for the next PPV event, In Your House: D-Generation X On Dec. 7. The video is basically intercut shots of Shawm Michaels mugging like a goober while strippers hump the floor in random dance clubs while the D-Generation X theme music plays. Have you ever just listened to the DX theme outside of the context of a wrestling show? Without the crowd going mental and the pyro and what have you, it's about the most limp-dicked Rage Against the Machine wannabe poseur vanilla "rap-rock" ever.
"You think you can tell me what to do?" Like, over and over, that's the basic lyrical gist of the song. "I just got tired of doing what you told me to do." Yes, good, we get it. 13-year-old boys who wanna wear ripped jeans to school, say "booger" a lot and pinch girls are sure to rally behind your brave call to rebellion. Didn't someone in this stable end up marrying the boss' daughter?
Now, THIS is what i'm talking about -- here's a video feature laying out the blood feud between "Stone Cold" Steve Austin and Owen Hart for the Intercontinental Title. Steve Austin's run to the WWF World Title was beginning in earnest when he challenged Owen for the IC title at SummerSlam '97, but a botched piledriver at the end of the match that bruised Austin's spinal column and temporarily paralyzed him in the ring nearly derailed his inevitable coronation. Still, Owen played true to the business and stalled in the ring until Austin could roll him up for a "surprise" three count and the title, which Austin would then have to relinquish due to injury (which put the title back on Owen after a tournament--pay attention, you'll be tested later). So now with Austin back in record time from what could have been a career-ender, everything's been reset, with added stakes as Austin also wants revenge for having his damn neck broken (to say nothing about Owen rubbing it in his face with the epic "OWEN 3:16: I JUST BROKE YOUR NECK" t-shirt).
Ah, that's solid heeling. And Stone Cold drives the stakes home with a "On Nov. 9th, it's not gonna be a wrestling match--it's gonna be payback." Just print the money already, WWF!
Match 6: Owen Hart (c) vs. Stone Cold Steve Austin for the WWF Intercontinental Championship
When you hear the glass, it's your ass! The crowd roars as Autin's music hits and the glass covering the ring entrance blasts into oblivion as Stone Cold stomps through the wreckage with deadly purpose! Except only half the glass shattered, but let's ignore that. No, let's post a .gif of it because it's silly.
Stone Cold Steve Austin is unfazed by stage malfunctions, he is so driven by revenge. JR may proclaim him the "toughest S.O.B. to ever lace boots," but tonight he's in Montreal, in the home country of his opponent, and...I'm sorry, the hell is this sign about:
Why...is...i...what...what is that sign supposed to be?? Is is supposed to be Austin as a short lil' dick and balls? If so, why isn't his goatee grown in? Maybe he's supposed to have a butt for a head? Does having a butthead cause twin goiters? And which of these fans grew up to be Kevin Owens and Sami Zayn, anyway? Are they embarrassed now? I have questions.
Owen, god bless him, comes out with all of Team Canadia (including the Canadians!), with Davey Boy holding his Slammy awards for him and while wearing his "OWEN 3:16" shirt that proudly screams "I JUST BROKE YOUR NECK" on the back. I own a bootleg print of this shirt and wear it proudly. Owen's entrance video also shows the piledriver that paralyzed Austin on repeat, rolling it back and forth like John Madden's clicker. God dammit i miss you, Owen Hart.
The Canadian crowd, of course, is LOUDLY cheering for Owen Hart, despite his scowl and insistence on working heel. Antihero Austin's goal is to obviously avoid getting dropped on his neck again, while possibly landing a piledriver on Owen for sweet, sweet, revenge. Man, in 2017, with everything we know now about concussions and brain injuries, piledrivers look fuckin' rough. I still miss them, though, god help me. When the WWF finally banned them in 2000, i remember feeling like a huge chunk of the roster's moveset was taken away from them, as the piledriver to me felt like a bread-and-butter, routine wrestling move, like an armbar or suplex. 17 years later, i wince whenever i see one.
Anyway, as the ref is trying to keep Team Canadia out of the ring, Owen takes off his shirt and tosses it at Austin, who calmly tears it to pieces in the middle of the ring, to loud boos. Turns out, though, that this was all a distraction for The Anvil to try to sneak up behind Stone Cold, who immediately nails Neidhart with a stunner and sends him rolling out of the ring! Owen takes the opening to pounce and the bell rings. Owen pummels Austin with fists and a rake of the eyes across the top rope as a fan brandishes a "BREAK HIS NECK, OWEN" sign in the background. Austin hasn't even had time to take his vest off! No courtesy whatsoever from the champ in the early goings. Austin recovers enough to attempt an Irish whip, but Owen reverses it, doubles Austin over with a boot to the breadbasket, and puts him into a piledriver position to loud cheers from the crowd! However, Austin reverses into a backflip, sending Owen crashing to the mat.
Austin, for all his badassery, is a hell of a sympathetic underdog here. He has the neck issue, so Owen threatening early with a piledriver is naturally dramatic. But as Owen rolls out of the ring after the back body drop, he grabs Austin's legs, drags him around the ringpost, and slams Austin's braced knee into the steel. It's interesting how Austin's various health issues gave him some relatable vulnerability. Meanwhile, the ref has sent Team Canadia to the back, allowing this to truly become a one-on-one matchup. Owen notices this and decides to head to the back after taking a shot to the nose--"opening up a can of haul-ass," according to Lawler. But naturally Austin runs after him, knocks him to the ground, and hauls him back to the ring.
Owen gets rolled into the ring, but immediately rolls back out, luring Austin to the floor, and after a low blow, the Canadian champ takes control once again. "The crowd is literally calling for Owen Hart to break Austin's neck," observes Ross. "I find that a little sickening." An astutely timed comment, as Owen grabs some camera cables and wraps them around Austin's neck. "I'll choke you out, Austin!" The ref is screaming at Owen, warning that he'll disqualify him--which Owen is completely okay with! "Disqualify me, then! I don't care! Disqualify me!" Owen straight up walks over to the timekeeper and rings the bell. JR pointedly mentions that "this match is not over." I lose my shit completely. I LOVE YOU, OWEN.
Unfortunately, as JR continues to lambast Owen for his cheating ways--"he's a Canadian hero! He shouldn't want to fight like this!"--Austin turns the tables with a well-timed poke to the eye, which enables him to spin Owen into the corner and stomp the signature mudhole into Owen's stomach. He pulls Owen out, whips him to the rope, and BOOM! Stone Cold stunner. 1-2-3, new champion, just like that. Which, fine. Austin is being established as a superhuman bionic redneck who is so goddamn over with American crowds that his march to the World Championship is inevitable, so sure, have him come back from his debilitating neck injury to crush the King of Harts in 4 minutes. Honestly, considering the wave of popularity Austin was building behind him, it's fine. Whatever. (I'll still always love Owen more, though.)
Oh, and by the way, Furnas and Lafon ran into the ring to attack Austin and he stunned both of them too, because of course he did. Stunners! Stunners! And you get a Stunner! A round for the room! Austin's buying hangovers for everyone tonight!
Winner: Steve Austin via pinfall in 4:03 to win the Intercontinental Championship
So here we are--main event time. JR is not embellishing when he says "this is very, very personal. This will be stiff." Oh, hell yes. Remember Money in the Bank 2011, when CM Punk's contract status was up in the air, and there was so much doubt as to whether or not the company would actually put its most prestigious title on a tattooed, cantankerous worked-shoot trash talker, especially when he'd have to beat the company's golden boy, John Cena, to do it? There's a reason why that 5-star match incorporated a callback to the Montreal Screwjob into its ending. In 1997, going into this main event, the backstage gossip leading up to it was unprecedented for its era, and no one had any idea how this was all going to play out.
The video package from the beginning of the show re-airs, and we get it all again. Bret calling Shawn a "phony little shit," Shawn and his "i live openly and freely" nonsense, "I'm gonna kick your little scrawny ass!" I'm ready.
We get a shot of D-Generation X leaving their dressing room and walking through the arena on their way to Gorilla position. My wife sums up this whole shot while i'm typing by saying, "FUCK OFF with those outfits, you guys." Shawn and Chyna put their outfits together at only the finest bondage outlet shops in only the best strip malls. Rick Rude, however, is looking sharp in a suit and tie, looking straight at the camera as to say, "look, in two weeks i'll have jumped ship to WCW and left these bedazzled penis sheaths to twist on a pre-taped episode while i run them down on Nitro. It's all good, humble home viewer."
"Also, when i show up on Raw and Nitro simultaneously i'll shave my beard and bring back the porn 'stache, because even that's classier than cosplaying as a walking fuck-swing."
The following is a list of things Shawn Michaels does to the Canadian flag once he gets to the ring:
- mimes wiping his taint with it
- sticks a corner in his nose and digs for gold with it
- lays it on the mat and humps it
- Stuffs it down his pants
The following is a list of sign captions in the background while Shawn humps the Canadian flag:
- "Why wait? Leave now, Bret!"
- "SHAWN IS A FAG"
- "ASS 3:16"
- RICK RUDE WOULD RATHER BE IN CHYNA"
There are no winners in our main event tonight.
BRET'S SON BLADE IS CARRYING THE CANADIAN FLAG WITH HIM TO GORILLA. GODDAMMIT THAT MAKES ALL THIS EVEN MORE HEARTBREAKING.
The crowd is on FIRE for their hero. Bret's music is blasting through the house. His family is backstage. "You can feel the electricity!" JR says, as the Hitman enters the ring. "A huge ovation for the 25-year veteran! Debuted at the age of 19. It's been a long road to this moment. It was a long road to this match, 18 months in the making! And the smart money says you will never, ever see it again."
He came to the WWF as an undersized tag team technician in an age of superhuman cartoons and rose to the top of his profession despite those limitations, paving the way for "smaller," faster, athletic workers, like Shawn Michaels, to follow him to the top.
He came to the WWF as an undersized tag team technician in an age of superhuman cartoons and rose to the top of his profession despite those limitations, paving the way for "smaller," faster, athletic workers, like Shawn Michaels, to follow him to the top.
This is about to be a goddamn tragedy.
Match 7: European Champion "The Heartbreak Kid" Shawn Michaels vs. Bret "Hitman" Hart (c) for the WWF World Heavyweight Championship
JR points out that both men asked their respective stablemates to stay in the back and make this mano-a-mano. Lawler opts to observe "maybe the two biggest egos in all of wrestling are about to collide," which is in character considering the long history he had feuding with Bret, but really does a disservice to the egos of the entire nWo over in WCW, to be frank. The Hitman hands the championship to the man who will seal his doom mere minutes form now, Earl Hebner, never to touch his beloved belt again. Shawn flies across the ring to begin the pummeling. This match is underway.
...Is it, though? As Bret fires back with closed fists and Earl Hebner kinda-sorta tries to separate the two, the bell does not ring. It's not official yet, but it's got the crowd frothing. A hard clothesline sends Shawn out to the floor, where Bret follows up by slamming his head into the ring post as the ringside loyalists scream their approval. Eventually Michaels gets tossed over the railing and the Heartbreak Kid, per JR, "is in No Man's Land!" The camera is barely able to keep up with the competitors as they drown in a sea of Canadians, until Bret finally drags Shawn back to ringside, dumping him over the railing like a sack of wet garbage. Shawn begins to take over, though, getting Bret on his knees with a series of fists; meanwhile, the two are surrounded by referees imploring them to take it to the ring, with McMahon and Slaughter looking on in the background.
As Michaels grabs an American flag at ringside and chokes Hart with it, the crowd rains down boos, but if they look on the bright side, this is just proof that Michaels doesn't just disrespect the Canadian flag in particular--he's just an inconsiderate oaf all around. That's much better! Unless you're a veteran, then Michaels is flagrantly insulting everything you fought for in whichever war you served in, so...go Canada? This is all very confusing.
The brawl continues to swing between both men. Shawn tosses Bret into the crowd and tries to piledrive him; Bret reverses it into a backflip, sends Shawn back to ringside, then kicks him in the nards, which still looks less severe than Shawn slamming his own batch into the Canadian flag earlier. To the credit of both men, they're working together and making everything look vicious and hate-filled, which at this point, doesn't take much effort. But still, neither man's going into business for himself as the action spills down the entrance ramp.
After Bret introduces a fire extinguisher and knocks it across Shawn's back, the trade some shots in the doorway to the backstage area as Vinnie Mac screams at them to get it back in the ring. Bret slugs a ref for good measure and shoots Vince the stinkeye, then goes back to work...but does begin to drag Shawn back to ringside. He tosses Shawn into the ring while grabbing a Quebec flag from...a fan, i guess? And as the bell rings, he drapes it across Michaels' throat as the Quebecers in the crowd cheer him on. Is this disrespectful to the Sûreté du Québec? I'm not sure. Regardless, once Bret relinquishes the flag (draped politely over the top rope so it does not hit the ground, because we're not goddamn savages here in Canadia), he connects with the first actual wrestling move of the match--a legdrop. Hey! Wrestling! This match is underway!
A whip to the ropes results in Shawn connecting with a scintillating flying forearm into a kip-up that puts the Heartbreak Kid in control, glowering down at the prone Hitman and following up with a punt to the forehead. A stomp to the back of the head, and then Shawn grabs the Quebec flag and starts choking Bret with it. Now, this has to be disrespectful because it's an American doing the choking, right? I think i can get this arena to agree with me on that one.
In between jawing with the fans at ringside, Michaels tosses Bret to the floor, socks him in the noggin, and spits out into the crowd--a souvenir for a lucky fan! "They're moving furniture now," JR deadpans, as Michaels removes on level of ring steps in order to drop Bret face-first on the unforgiving steel. It's followed up by Michaels grabbing Bret's Canadaian flag, which he had mounted on that ring post, breaking the flag pole in half, and driving it into Bret's throat.
OK, for fuck's sake. I finally had to go to Wikipedia to check out Canada's statutes on flag desecration. "Canada has no laws prohibiting flag desecration. Acts of this nature are forms of expression protected by the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms." OK, well, i mean, that's good. First Amendment and all. (DJ, the show's in Canada. You mean Section 2 of the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms. ...OK but that's longer to type.)
JR's thinly-veiled exasperation while calling this match, by the way, is glorious. After another punch to Bret's face, he calls it with "another closed fist there, to be sure, but who's counting?" We're back in the ring now and Shawn drops Bret to the mat with a front facelock, maybe the most violent front facelock i've ever seen applied, which is saying something for a rest hold. "One of the most elementary moves in the game, but one of the most painful," says Ross. "Something right out of Stu Hart's dungeon," he explains, and something "you'd almost expect Bret Hart to utilize," implying that it's an insult on top of injury for Michaels to be using that hold on the champ. Well, we're not done insulting him yet, you guys. But here, the commentary is beginning to shine, with both JR and Lawler remarking that by now they expected Bret to be working on Shawn's legs to set him up for the Sharpshooter. And on cue, Bret fights to his feet, tosses Shawn off him and onto the mat, and immediately begins breathlessly dropping elbows on Shawn's knee. Michaels rakes the eyes to abort the assault, but Bret counters an Irish whip with a kick to Shawn's lowered head, and he immediately begins stomping away again at the knee. Another rake to the eyes, and Shawn slams Bret to the mat and climbs the turnbuckle, throwing himself onto the champ with a cross-bodyblock that Bret rolls through and reverses into the first two-count of the match. More stomps to the knee, and before you know it we've got a ringpost figure four!! A ringpost figure four!! I will never not mark out for a ringpost figure four!! It looks god damn BRUTAL and i don't even care that in real life it doesn't hurt a lick. It's the best submission ever, fuck you (DJ, it's an illegal hold and no one has ever submitted to it. Fuck you it's the best).
Back in the ring, Bret continues to torture the leg of Shawn Michaels, in Ross' words. We're solidly into some classic Bret Hart psychology as JR says "the Canadian hero is pulling out every dirty trick to counteract the same dirty tricks that Shawn Michaels has been utilizing." Wait, what dirty trick is he using here? Propping Shawn's ankle on the bottom rope so he can stomp on it more? You're starting to lose me, Jimbo. Bret slaps on a figure four leglock and Shawn is in agony. "Oh, god no! OOOOH NO!" He continues to scream "NO" at Earl Hebner and finally turns the figure four over, which has never looked like it realistically shifts any pressure to the legs of the person applying the hold, but whatever. Wrestling physics! Bret releases the hold and propels Michaels hard into the turnbuckle, following it up with a trademark side Russian leg sweep. At least Bret's getting all his shit in before the shit hits the fan. A two count and Michaels gets the shoulder up. A vertical suplex scores another two.
And then, it begins. Bret climbs to the top turnbuckle to drop an elbow on Michaels, who pulls Hebner into Hart's sights and enables a Classic Hebner FlopTM. With the ref down, we go into what was the planned finish of the match. The wired audio from Hitman Hart: Wrestling With Shadows, the famous documentary that chronicled Bret's final year in the WWF, caught Bret's conversation with Vince earlier in the day: they agreed that once Dave Hebner went down, Shawn would put Bret in his own hold, the Sharpshooter, which Bret would get out of and then apply the move himself. DX and the Hart Foundation would then run to ringside and end the match in a huge schmoz, an ending which was huge back in the late 90s (see: every episode of WCW Monday Nitro during the nWo era). Bret wasn't worried about giving himself to Shawn for a submission hold, because Henber swore on his children that he would never do anything to double-cross his old friend Bret.
But.
Shawn rakes the eyes and slaps on the Sharpshooter. As Bret reaches for Shawn's foot to reverse the hold, Hebner, back on his feet, suddenly becomes far less groggy, miming a status check on Bret before yelling, "RING THE BELL! RING THE BELL!" As Bret pulls Shawn to the ground, the bell clangs, Hebner hauls ass out of the ring, and Michaels' music hits, as the look on Bret's face says it all. "Fucking hell, they really did it."
Vince stands at ringside in front of the two men. "What happened?" asks Ross. Both men stare at McMahon, Shawn yelling feigned outrage while Bret simply hauls back and spits right in Vince's face. Hunter Hearst Helmsley arrives at ringside as Vince yells at both Shawn and him to grab the belt and get the hell out of there. Shawn "angrily" yanks the championship from the timekeeper's grasp, blows past Sgt. Slaughter, and heads up the ramp. "Well, you talk about controversy," JR says. Well, yeah, let's talk about controversy. "This crowd is livid. Shawn Michaels, with a sharpshooter, has become the WWF Champion, and Bret Hart stands in the ring in disbelief. Good night from Montreal." Fade to black. End of pay-per-view.
Of course, everyone knows what happened after the broadcast ended. Hart proceeds to trash the ringside monitors, needing Owen and Davey Boy to come to ringside to calm him down. As the crowd stares in disbelief, Bret mimes the letters "W-C-W" with his hands, and proceeds to head backstage to deliver a well-deserved black eye to the owner of the company.
* * *
20 years on, wrestling fans continue to debate who was right and who was wrong when it comes to the Montreal Screwjob. Looking back, it's hard to look at the perspectives on both sides and come up with an alternative course of action. McMahon was terrified that his champion would leave the company with his belt and turn up with it on Monday Nitro, and while it's hard to see that behavior out of the man who wanted to take less money to stay with the company that had been his home for 12 years, the atmosphere in the wrestling world in 1997 was absolutely toxic, so who knows what anyone would have done with the right prodding? And sure, Bret may have been a mark for himself, and maybe he should have just done business. But is it also wrong to give enough of a shit about character development and story to object to a booking decision based on what it would mean in the larger scheme of the show? To the fans?
Bret Hart was a traditionalist in a time when tradition was getting thrown out the window. As black and white bled into gray, and faces and heels became less defined, The Hitman still believed in a world where good defeated evil, and where kids could watch a pro wrestling show and see a hero to look up to. He took that role, and its role in the larger scheme of professional wrestling, the art form he loved and lived, as seriously as a heart attack. In the process, he helped usher in a new era of wrestling fandom, and i'm not just talking about the "Attitude Era" here. The entire notion of post-modern kayfabe springs from this moment in Montreal, Quebec. CM Punk's pipe bomb promo doesn't happen without Montreal. Daniel Bryan's march to WrestleMania XXX isn't as captivating without the worked-shoot speculation of weeks of "you don't look like a WWE Champion" promos from Triple H. These days, internet fans are worked into a tizzy with backstage dirt about the heat on Enzo Amore while WWE turns it into a narrative on 205 Live. The Internet Age has forced pro wrestling to adapt to new ways to separate marks from their money while keeping the curtain pulled on the inner workings of the enterprise. The Montreal Screwjob was the first collision between the matter and antimatter of kayfabe and reality, and the resulting annihilation of those barriers resulted in much more than the ascension of the Mr. McMahon character and his Stone Cold antagonist of an antihero--it changed the game forever.
...Is it, though? As Bret fires back with closed fists and Earl Hebner kinda-sorta tries to separate the two, the bell does not ring. It's not official yet, but it's got the crowd frothing. A hard clothesline sends Shawn out to the floor, where Bret follows up by slamming his head into the ring post as the ringside loyalists scream their approval. Eventually Michaels gets tossed over the railing and the Heartbreak Kid, per JR, "is in No Man's Land!" The camera is barely able to keep up with the competitors as they drown in a sea of Canadians, until Bret finally drags Shawn back to ringside, dumping him over the railing like a sack of wet garbage. Shawn begins to take over, though, getting Bret on his knees with a series of fists; meanwhile, the two are surrounded by referees imploring them to take it to the ring, with McMahon and Slaughter looking on in the background.
As Michaels grabs an American flag at ringside and chokes Hart with it, the crowd rains down boos, but if they look on the bright side, this is just proof that Michaels doesn't just disrespect the Canadian flag in particular--he's just an inconsiderate oaf all around. That's much better! Unless you're a veteran, then Michaels is flagrantly insulting everything you fought for in whichever war you served in, so...go Canada? This is all very confusing.
The brawl continues to swing between both men. Shawn tosses Bret into the crowd and tries to piledrive him; Bret reverses it into a backflip, sends Shawn back to ringside, then kicks him in the nards, which still looks less severe than Shawn slamming his own batch into the Canadian flag earlier. To the credit of both men, they're working together and making everything look vicious and hate-filled, which at this point, doesn't take much effort. But still, neither man's going into business for himself as the action spills down the entrance ramp.
After Bret introduces a fire extinguisher and knocks it across Shawn's back, the trade some shots in the doorway to the backstage area as Vinnie Mac screams at them to get it back in the ring. Bret slugs a ref for good measure and shoots Vince the stinkeye, then goes back to work...but does begin to drag Shawn back to ringside. He tosses Shawn into the ring while grabbing a Quebec flag from...a fan, i guess? And as the bell rings, he drapes it across Michaels' throat as the Quebecers in the crowd cheer him on. Is this disrespectful to the Sûreté du Québec? I'm not sure. Regardless, once Bret relinquishes the flag (draped politely over the top rope so it does not hit the ground, because we're not goddamn savages here in Canadia), he connects with the first actual wrestling move of the match--a legdrop. Hey! Wrestling! This match is underway!
A whip to the ropes results in Shawn connecting with a scintillating flying forearm into a kip-up that puts the Heartbreak Kid in control, glowering down at the prone Hitman and following up with a punt to the forehead. A stomp to the back of the head, and then Shawn grabs the Quebec flag and starts choking Bret with it. Now, this has to be disrespectful because it's an American doing the choking, right? I think i can get this arena to agree with me on that one.
In between jawing with the fans at ringside, Michaels tosses Bret to the floor, socks him in the noggin, and spits out into the crowd--a souvenir for a lucky fan! "They're moving furniture now," JR deadpans, as Michaels removes on level of ring steps in order to drop Bret face-first on the unforgiving steel. It's followed up by Michaels grabbing Bret's Canadaian flag, which he had mounted on that ring post, breaking the flag pole in half, and driving it into Bret's throat.
OK, for fuck's sake. I finally had to go to Wikipedia to check out Canada's statutes on flag desecration. "Canada has no laws prohibiting flag desecration. Acts of this nature are forms of expression protected by the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms." OK, well, i mean, that's good. First Amendment and all. (DJ, the show's in Canada. You mean Section 2 of the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms. ...OK but that's longer to type.)
JR's thinly-veiled exasperation while calling this match, by the way, is glorious. After another punch to Bret's face, he calls it with "another closed fist there, to be sure, but who's counting?" We're back in the ring now and Shawn drops Bret to the mat with a front facelock, maybe the most violent front facelock i've ever seen applied, which is saying something for a rest hold. "One of the most elementary moves in the game, but one of the most painful," says Ross. "Something right out of Stu Hart's dungeon," he explains, and something "you'd almost expect Bret Hart to utilize," implying that it's an insult on top of injury for Michaels to be using that hold on the champ. Well, we're not done insulting him yet, you guys. But here, the commentary is beginning to shine, with both JR and Lawler remarking that by now they expected Bret to be working on Shawn's legs to set him up for the Sharpshooter. And on cue, Bret fights to his feet, tosses Shawn off him and onto the mat, and immediately begins breathlessly dropping elbows on Shawn's knee. Michaels rakes the eyes to abort the assault, but Bret counters an Irish whip with a kick to Shawn's lowered head, and he immediately begins stomping away again at the knee. Another rake to the eyes, and Shawn slams Bret to the mat and climbs the turnbuckle, throwing himself onto the champ with a cross-bodyblock that Bret rolls through and reverses into the first two-count of the match. More stomps to the knee, and before you know it we've got a ringpost figure four!! A ringpost figure four!! I will never not mark out for a ringpost figure four!! It looks god damn BRUTAL and i don't even care that in real life it doesn't hurt a lick. It's the best submission ever, fuck you (DJ, it's an illegal hold and no one has ever submitted to it. Fuck you it's the best).
Back in the ring, Bret continues to torture the leg of Shawn Michaels, in Ross' words. We're solidly into some classic Bret Hart psychology as JR says "the Canadian hero is pulling out every dirty trick to counteract the same dirty tricks that Shawn Michaels has been utilizing." Wait, what dirty trick is he using here? Propping Shawn's ankle on the bottom rope so he can stomp on it more? You're starting to lose me, Jimbo. Bret slaps on a figure four leglock and Shawn is in agony. "Oh, god no! OOOOH NO!" He continues to scream "NO" at Earl Hebner and finally turns the figure four over, which has never looked like it realistically shifts any pressure to the legs of the person applying the hold, but whatever. Wrestling physics! Bret releases the hold and propels Michaels hard into the turnbuckle, following it up with a trademark side Russian leg sweep. At least Bret's getting all his shit in before the shit hits the fan. A two count and Michaels gets the shoulder up. A vertical suplex scores another two.
And then, it begins. Bret climbs to the top turnbuckle to drop an elbow on Michaels, who pulls Hebner into Hart's sights and enables a Classic Hebner FlopTM. With the ref down, we go into what was the planned finish of the match. The wired audio from Hitman Hart: Wrestling With Shadows, the famous documentary that chronicled Bret's final year in the WWF, caught Bret's conversation with Vince earlier in the day: they agreed that once Dave Hebner went down, Shawn would put Bret in his own hold, the Sharpshooter, which Bret would get out of and then apply the move himself. DX and the Hart Foundation would then run to ringside and end the match in a huge schmoz, an ending which was huge back in the late 90s (see: every episode of WCW Monday Nitro during the nWo era). Bret wasn't worried about giving himself to Shawn for a submission hold, because Henber swore on his children that he would never do anything to double-cross his old friend Bret.
But.
Shawn rakes the eyes and slaps on the Sharpshooter. As Bret reaches for Shawn's foot to reverse the hold, Hebner, back on his feet, suddenly becomes far less groggy, miming a status check on Bret before yelling, "RING THE BELL! RING THE BELL!" As Bret pulls Shawn to the ground, the bell clangs, Hebner hauls ass out of the ring, and Michaels' music hits, as the look on Bret's face says it all. "Fucking hell, they really did it."
Vince stands at ringside in front of the two men. "What happened?" asks Ross. Both men stare at McMahon, Shawn yelling feigned outrage while Bret simply hauls back and spits right in Vince's face. Hunter Hearst Helmsley arrives at ringside as Vince yells at both Shawn and him to grab the belt and get the hell out of there. Shawn "angrily" yanks the championship from the timekeeper's grasp, blows past Sgt. Slaughter, and heads up the ramp. "Well, you talk about controversy," JR says. Well, yeah, let's talk about controversy. "This crowd is livid. Shawn Michaels, with a sharpshooter, has become the WWF Champion, and Bret Hart stands in the ring in disbelief. Good night from Montreal." Fade to black. End of pay-per-view.
Of course, everyone knows what happened after the broadcast ended. Hart proceeds to trash the ringside monitors, needing Owen and Davey Boy to come to ringside to calm him down. As the crowd stares in disbelief, Bret mimes the letters "W-C-W" with his hands, and proceeds to head backstage to deliver a well-deserved black eye to the owner of the company.
* * *
20 years on, wrestling fans continue to debate who was right and who was wrong when it comes to the Montreal Screwjob. Looking back, it's hard to look at the perspectives on both sides and come up with an alternative course of action. McMahon was terrified that his champion would leave the company with his belt and turn up with it on Monday Nitro, and while it's hard to see that behavior out of the man who wanted to take less money to stay with the company that had been his home for 12 years, the atmosphere in the wrestling world in 1997 was absolutely toxic, so who knows what anyone would have done with the right prodding? And sure, Bret may have been a mark for himself, and maybe he should have just done business. But is it also wrong to give enough of a shit about character development and story to object to a booking decision based on what it would mean in the larger scheme of the show? To the fans?
Bret Hart was a traditionalist in a time when tradition was getting thrown out the window. As black and white bled into gray, and faces and heels became less defined, The Hitman still believed in a world where good defeated evil, and where kids could watch a pro wrestling show and see a hero to look up to. He took that role, and its role in the larger scheme of professional wrestling, the art form he loved and lived, as seriously as a heart attack. In the process, he helped usher in a new era of wrestling fandom, and i'm not just talking about the "Attitude Era" here. The entire notion of post-modern kayfabe springs from this moment in Montreal, Quebec. CM Punk's pipe bomb promo doesn't happen without Montreal. Daniel Bryan's march to WrestleMania XXX isn't as captivating without the worked-shoot speculation of weeks of "you don't look like a WWE Champion" promos from Triple H. These days, internet fans are worked into a tizzy with backstage dirt about the heat on Enzo Amore while WWE turns it into a narrative on 205 Live. The Internet Age has forced pro wrestling to adapt to new ways to separate marks from their money while keeping the curtain pulled on the inner workings of the enterprise. The Montreal Screwjob was the first collision between the matter and antimatter of kayfabe and reality, and the resulting annihilation of those barriers resulted in much more than the ascension of the Mr. McMahon character and his Stone Cold antagonist of an antihero--it changed the game forever.
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